Feeble Musings of a Witless Mind

Comedy, humour and wit. I hope

Archive for the ‘General Randomness’ Category

UK Snow vs. American Snow

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Having experienced the worst that the UK weather had to throw at us (6 inches of snow, -5c) and the worst the US had to throw at us (2 feet of snow, -15c) and it astounds me at the way it was handled differently.

In the UK, I wasn’t able to make it into work as the trains had completely stopped running.

In the US, my train was fine (I waited 5 minutes longer).

In the UK, the traffic was horrendous, cars couldn’t move (see below).

In the US, the roads were being cleared as the snow was falling. The man opposite my hotel literally scraped the pavement clear 10 times.

In the UK, we ran out of salt after a couple of days.

In the US, the salt was free-flowing, like a fat kid pouring sugar onto pancakes.

Boris. You get onto the phone to these American guys and sort yourself out.

UK Snow Chaos

US Snow – No Problem (Piled up on the side of the road)

Written by The Dude

February 4, 2011 at 3:56 am

Existential Chicago Grafitti

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Whilst waiting for a blue line train, in the freezing cold, surrounded by 2 feet of snow and questioning what I was doing there I spotted this written onto one of the signs (I had to brush off some snow to get to it). 

It answered my question. 

Written by The Dude

February 2, 2011 at 11:12 pm

How a Crab Can Boost Your Blog Traffic…

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My traffic has gone through the roof the last few days thanks to a post I made about a crab.

Being slightly bemused as to why I have been getting over 100 visits a day to my crab post, I thought I would dig a bit further.

It seems that rather than people actually being interested in my blog post, all they actually want is a picture of a crab.

In fact, the picture of a crab I used is now top of the list in the google image search for crab:

http://www.google.co.uk/images?hl=en&source=imghp&biw=1090&bih=442&q=crab&gbv=2&aq=f&aqi=g10&aql=&oq=

So whilst it is great to know my blog is getting out there, I have to admit being a bit disappointed that these aren’t genuine hits.

Long live Cedric!

https://feeblemusings.wordpress.com/2011/01/15/cedric/

Written by The Dude

January 29, 2011 at 12:09 am

Cease and Desist

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Dear Pope Benedict XVI

We are the proprietors of all copyright in a literary work entitled The Torah (The “Work”). We have reserved all rights in the Work, which was first expressed in material form around 3,500 years ago.

It has come to our attention that your work entitled The Bible is identical/substantially similar to our copyrighted Work. Permission was neither asked nor granted to reproduce our Work and your Work therefore constitutes infringement of our rights. In terms of the Copyright Statutes, we are entitled to an injunction against your continued infringement, as well as to recover damages from you for the loss we have suffered as a result of your infringing conduct.

In the circumstances, we demand that you immediately:

1. remove all infringing content and notify us in writing that you have done so;

2. credit all infringing content to ourselves in the following manner: “Jesus never existed”;

3. pay a licensing fee in the amount of £1 trillion trillion;

4. immediately cease the use and distribution of copyrighted material;

5. deliver-up for destruction all unused or undistributed copies;

6. undertake in writing to desist from using any of our copyrighted Work in future without prior written authority from us.

We await to hear from you by no later than close of business on Judgement Day.

This is written without prejudice to our rights, all of which are hereby expressly reserved.

Yours faithfully,

The Jewish Religion

Celebrities With Small Necks

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There’s something strangely comforting about celebrities with small necks.

If you put a programme on the television, and the presenter or star has a small neck then I’ll watch it.

I’d trust a small necked person with my life.

I’d let a small necked person invest my savings.

Just think of how much money you’d save if you didn’t have a neck. I reckon I’ll buy 50 scarves in a lifetime. At £20 a pop thats £1,000… big money. 

My favourite smalled necked celebrity is Steven Van Zandt, who played Silvio Dante in the Sopranos.

Yes, he was a criminal, but I’d let him date my sister.

My second favourite cervically (apparently cervic can also pertain to a neck, as well as… you know) challenged celebrity is Sandi Toksvig. Call my Bluff was a great programme (du du du du du dudududu, du du du du du dudududu, du du du du du du du dudu, du, du, dudu, du du – that’s the theme toon) . I’m sure she’s done other things too.

The only other one I can think of is Carlos Tevez. He’s a great footballer (although not much of a looker).

Ok. I can’t actually think of any more…

Answers on a postcode please.

Cedric

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Hey Dave. Do you know you’ve got a crab in your toilet?

Sure. That’s Cedric.

What’s a crab called Cedric doing in your toilet? 

Just keeping guard. For – you know.

Not really. What’s he keeping guard for? 

Well. You hear about these mutant animals living in the sewers and I wanted some protection.

What mutant animals?

Well. Like turtles and things. There was some documentary on it.

Did these turtles do ninja mate? 

Er. Yeah. Now you come to mention it they did. There was a rat too.

That was a film you idiot. 

No. you’re wrong. It was Panorama or Watchdog or something.

It was most definitely a film .

Nope. Documentary. 

You need to see somebody mate.

I do. I’m not quite sure what to feed him you see.

Look. If he stays in there much longer he is going to die. Does it really matter what you feed him.

Of course it does. He likes it in there. He’s been there for a week now. He isn’t going to die.

So what about when you need to go? 

Go where? 

To the toilet!

Oh. I don’t like to bother him. I use the sink.

That’s sick. Even as like a sit down toilet? 

Oh no. I drive to McDonalds for that. 

Every single time? 

Well yeah. It’s got be done.

How long are you planning to keep him?

Well. I am getting a bit concerned he may be getting bored, so I thought I might get another one.

What do you mean another one. 

Well. I’ll get another crab and they can take it in turns. 12 hour shifts. When they aren’t working they can go into the bath. I’ve put some sand and rocks in there.

Mate. I think I ought to call the doctors. 

Why? Are you feeling ill or something. 

Er. Yeah. Something like that. Why don’t you come and have a sit on the sofa and I’ll just get the doctor round.

Sure mate. Sure.

Diary of an Obsessive Compulsive

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Closed the door.

Locked the door.

Opened the door.

Closed the door.

Locked the door.

Turned away from the door and turned back again to push the door to check if it was actually locked.

Took out a piece of paper and a pen from my pocket. Leaned the paper against the door and wrote “this door is locked” to prove to myself that the door was locked.

Walked away again, got half way down the street to the shops.

Panicked that the door might not be locked, and so turned around and walked back to the house to check if the door was locked.

The door seemed locked, but thought I’d better open it and shut it and lock it again to make sure.

Walked away. Walked back to the door and leaned the same scrap of paper against the door and wrote underneath my existing note “this door is now most definately locked”.

Walked away. Headed to the shops.

Got to the shops.

Purchased some bleach, window cleaner, surface wipes, surface cleaner, air freshener, new mop head, sponges, cloths, dusters, polish, toilet duck, toilet wipes.

Left the shop to go home to clean the house again.

Panicked that I had forgotten to put my wallet back into my trousers. Couldn’t find wallet in trousers. Adrenaline flowing, rush of blood to the head.

Eventually found wallet in coat pocket. 

Headed home.

Stopped half way. Panicked that I had forgottten to put debit card back into wallet and had left it in chip and pin. Got wallet out of my coat pocket and checked that debit card was present.

Debit card was present. Headed home.

Got home.

To my great suprise, as it had been haunting me in the shops, I found the door to be locked.

Shit! Forgot to get washing powder.

Closed the door.

Locked the door…