Cedric

 

Hey Dave. Do you know you’ve got a crab in your toilet?

Sure. That’s Cedric.

What’s a crab called Cedric doing in your toilet? 

Just keeping guard. For – you know.

Not really. What’s he keeping guard for? 

Well. You hear about these mutant animals living in the sewers and I wanted some protection.

What mutant animals?

Well. Like turtles and things. There was some documentary on it.

Did these turtles do ninja mate? 

Er. Yeah. Now you come to mention it they did. There was a rat too.

That was a film you idiot. 

No. you’re wrong. It was Panorama or Watchdog or something.

It was most definitely a film .

Nope. Documentary. 

You need to see somebody mate.

I do. I’m not quite sure what to feed him you see.

Look. If he stays in there much longer he is going to die. Does it really matter what you feed him.

Of course it does. He likes it in there. He’s been there for a week now. He isn’t going to die.

So what about when you need to go? 

Go where? 

To the toilet!

Oh. I don’t like to bother him. I use the sink.

That’s sick. Even as like a sit down toilet? 

Oh no. I drive to McDonalds for that. 

Every single time? 

Well yeah. It’s got be done.

How long are you planning to keep him?

Well. I am getting a bit concerned he may be getting bored, so I thought I might get another one.

What do you mean another one. 

Well. I’ll get another crab and they can take it in turns. 12 hour shifts. When they aren’t working they can go into the bath. I’ve put some sand and rocks in there.

Mate. I think I ought to call the doctors. 

Why? Are you feeling ill or something. 

Er. Yeah. Something like that. Why don’t you come and have a sit on the sofa and I’ll just get the doctor round.

Sure mate. Sure.