Feeble Musings of a Witless Mind

Comedy, humour and wit. I hope

Posts Tagged ‘uk

UK Snow vs. American Snow

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Having experienced the worst that the UK weather had to throw at us (6 inches of snow, -5c) and the worst the US had to throw at us (2 feet of snow, -15c) and it astounds me at the way it was handled differently.

In the UK, I wasn’t able to make it into work as the trains had completely stopped running.

In the US, my train was fine (I waited 5 minutes longer).

In the UK, the traffic was horrendous, cars couldn’t move (see below).

In the US, the roads were being cleared as the snow was falling. The man opposite my hotel literally scraped the pavement clear 10 times.

In the UK, we ran out of salt after a couple of days.

In the US, the salt was free-flowing, like a fat kid pouring sugar onto pancakes.

Boris. You get onto the phone to these American guys and sort yourself out.

UK Snow Chaos

US Snow – No Problem (Piled up on the side of the road)


Written by The Dude

February 4, 2011 at 3:56 am

How a Crab Can Boost Your Blog Traffic…

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My traffic has gone through the roof the last few days thanks to a post I made about a crab.

Being slightly bemused as to why I have been getting over 100 visits a day to my crab post, I thought I would dig a bit further.

It seems that rather than people actually being interested in my blog post, all they actually want is a picture of a crab.

In fact, the picture of a crab I used is now top of the list in the google image search for crab:


So whilst it is great to know my blog is getting out there, I have to admit being a bit disappointed that these aren’t genuine hits.

Long live Cedric!


Written by The Dude

January 29, 2011 at 12:09 am

Food In The Stomach

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My wife always tells me that she imagines everything she eats looks the same in her stomach as before she ate it.

I tell her that’s clearly not what happens, but she says it’s nicer to think of it in that way…

Written by The Dude

January 24, 2011 at 4:30 pm

Has Anyone Seen My Sausage Dog?

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Another Rubbish Film Review – Because That’s What Blogging Is All About

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 The Shawshank Redemption (1994)

So it’s like this film about a couple of dudes, one white dude (the guy who used to go out with that bird from Thelma and Louise – not the hot one) and a black dude (who was in Se7en with that bloke who used to be married to the one from friends that was a waitress and had a nose job).

The film is based on a book by that guy who was once a great writer but should have stopped writing years ago.

The white dude gets himself into a big heap of crap when he kills his wife. It’s pretty obvious that he actually did do it, despite what the film says.

So he gets sent to jail (pretty lucky he didn’t get sentenced to death), and meets the black dude.

They become friends, and there is about an hour and a half of the film where there is a load of hijinks and melodrama, and then the white dude escapes through a secret tunnel that he has dug with a spoon (or something else). The tunnel is hidden behind a big poster.

The white dude swims through a load of poo and ends up in Mexico (or somewhere else).

The boss of the prison is well surprised when he finds out the white dude has gone.

The black dude eventually gets out of prison too, but in a non-illegal manner, and the white dude has told him where to find some money.

He gets the money and also some instructions on where to find the white dude.

The black dude finds the white dude, who has a boat.

They live happily ever after. I have assumed this. The black dude may have died a few weeks after the end of the film, as he was pretty old, perhaps from some sort of tropical disease.

Review summary. This film was proper good. 11 stars.

Dear Dizzee

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Dear Dizzee,

In order for you to understand the intentions of this correspondence, I have attempted to write it in language that you may understand.

I am writing dis letta to invite you and your crew to a meeting of the Risby WI. We’ll be holding it at our crib, the Risby Village Hall, on Thursday 7 April and me and me bredren would be buzzin’ if you could make it.

We are a fine group of bitches, and we’re sure you’ll enjoy hangin’ wid us.

The topic of discussion for April will be the “Rise of Grime as an Anthem for Today’s Underprivileged Teenagers”. Your rise to success over recent years with tunes such as “Holiday” and “Bonkers” is like proper mental.

We will be expecting to hear some Grime blud.

Should you wish, we can turn up in bikinis and dance like dutty skanks, which you may film and use in an upcoming video.


I look forward to your response.

Yours longingly,

Jane Burrows

Cease and Desist

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Dear Pope Benedict XVI

We are the proprietors of all copyright in a literary work entitled The Torah (The “Work”). We have reserved all rights in the Work, which was first expressed in material form around 3,500 years ago.

It has come to our attention that your work entitled The Bible is identical/substantially similar to our copyrighted Work. Permission was neither asked nor granted to reproduce our Work and your Work therefore constitutes infringement of our rights. In terms of the Copyright Statutes, we are entitled to an injunction against your continued infringement, as well as to recover damages from you for the loss we have suffered as a result of your infringing conduct.

In the circumstances, we demand that you immediately:

1. remove all infringing content and notify us in writing that you have done so;

2. credit all infringing content to ourselves in the following manner: “Jesus never existed”;

3. pay a licensing fee in the amount of £1 trillion trillion;

4. immediately cease the use and distribution of copyrighted material;

5. deliver-up for destruction all unused or undistributed copies;

6. undertake in writing to desist from using any of our copyrighted Work in future without prior written authority from us.

We await to hear from you by no later than close of business on Judgement Day.

This is written without prejudice to our rights, all of which are hereby expressly reserved.

Yours faithfully,

The Jewish Religion